Lesson 9 - May 1

Today was pretty horrible.

Jacob came in a bad mood. He didn't want to do much of anything.

On those days, I just need to DO NOTHING. And be ok with it. Because sometimes Jacob's mind isn't open to teaching, and if he can't or won't open his mind, then I can't push it.

In many ways, Jacob is teaching me many lessons.

In church yesterday, we talked about perfectionism, and how it hurts us. I almost started crying, thinking about how Jacob thinks of himself as less than others because he can't read. But Heavenly Father really really loves him and would love him forever even if he never learned to read.

BUT... that doesn't make day to day life super easy. Maybe all it does is give us hope that all things are possible.

All that said... here is what happened during today's lesson:

1. We listened to the alphfriends song to review the sounds of A-I.He wasn't too interested (he usually likes it).




2. We spent a lot of the lesson outside on the driveway with sidewalk chalk. I wrote some sentences and tried to get Jacob to sound them out.




 
He was very resistant and just wanted to play and draw pictures. Sometimes I can coax him into sounding out words slowly, but today it wasn't happening.

It got to the point where I was extremely frustrated because Jacob wasn't even willing to TRY.  I excused myself and took a minute inside to gather my wits.



3. I came back outside and we were both frustated. He wanted to go home. He sat on the couch and cried and said many things....

"I wish words were never invented."
"I wish I could just stay in my room all the time."
"I pray everyday that I can read and it doesn't work."
"I wish I could just be a farmer so I wouldn't have to read."
"Everyone learns everything faster than me."
"I come here and go to therapy and it's not working."
and on and on.... 

I thought I had seen him frustrated before, but now I saw him practically on the bottom. 

Jacob was really in a bad negativity cycle. I know that cycle. They are really hard to come out of. He needed some time to stew and let his mind swirl until it could let go a bit. So he laid quietly on the couch while I attending to my two kids (who are usually asleep or quiet when he's here, but were needy just now.)

Seeing Jacob like that just broke my heart.

4. Finally I sat next to him and hugged him and said many things....

"It is so hard."
"I love you almost like I love my own kids."
"I will not give up on you, but you have to promise not to give up on me."
"It is so so so hard, and I'm sorry. It's not fair."
"Your mom would do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR YOU."
"You are a special, special kid. You bring a strong, wonderful spirit to our home."
"This is not your fault. This is not your fault. Jacob, this is NOT YOUR FAULT." (repeat 10x)


Sometimes it's ok to hit bottom, because you realize --- I'm still alive down here, people love me, and I'm ok the way I am, and there is hope for the future. And you can only go up from there.

Jacob walked home. I was emotionally drained. But I still can't even fathom what he goes through on a day to day basis.